Monkey Mind

Sometimes I suffer from the monkey mind, my thoughts a runaway train at 2:00 AM, leaving me filled with all sorts of cold and prickly anxiety. Nothing like a little something prickly as a midnight bed fellow, all snugly wrapped next to you attempting to steal your blankie.

“Did I forget to buy milk?”

“Am I behind 5 loads of laundry or just 4?”

“What was that noise?”

“Am I a doormat?”

“Sleep. Sleep. I need to sleep.”

“Did I set the alarm?”

“Maybe I’ll go blog about this. At 2:00 AM? No, that would make me obsessive.”

“Am I obsessive? Do obsessive people think they are obsessive? Do other people think I am obsessive? Maybe I should wake hubby and ask if he thinks I am obsessive….Or is that obsessive? How do you spell obsessive? Surely someone aware enough to wonder if they may be obsessive, couldn’t be obsessive? No, clearly not obsessive here….(Pause)….Anxious? Do you think I am anxious? Only anxious people wake up at 2:00 AM to worry about being anxious, right? Or does that make me obsessive? …(Pillow over head)….Hide, I’ll hide, yes hiding is good….Or , ummm, does that make me socially phobic?”

Sometimes the monkey gets the better of us in the wee hours. It is wise to distract him with a peanut or two and quickly lock the window behind him. And maybe throw a rock at his furry a** as he scampers away. Fingers crossed for a direct hit.

A Sip of the Bubbly

Last summer, I was drowning in the roaring rapids of new motherhood with a newborn and a two year old. My memories are blurred and my hair is greyer from it.

This year, I’ve managed to raise one nostril above water with a one year old and a three year old. My memories are sharper and I love my new hair color.

Next year, I will have a two year old and a four year old. Perhaps my diapering days will be over and maybe both nostrils will be above water.

The year after next, I will have a preschooler and a kindergartner. Quite possibly my whole head will be above water gasping full deep breaths. I daydream about mornings filled with long showers and the occasional quiet home

I dream about the days when they are both in school full time, a first grader and a third grader. The quiet will be a fine champagne, bubbly and much anticipated.

Of course, this is what I wanted. Two bundles close together. I wanted them two years apart, equipped with a forever best friend. I wanted them to have what was absent from my childhood, a similar aged sibling. I wanted to silence that defeaning biological tick, squeezing them in before 35 (didn’t make it). I wanted to rush thru the diapering stage by overlapping the diapering stage (don’t try this at home). And the fertility Goddess was swift and kind to me. I am thankful for that.

Surprisingly, I find the work less stressful than teaching at the local elementary. There are less meetings, less paperwork and far less grouchy parents. I love where I am and what I am doing. At times, I find the inevitable mess and chaos of the situation to be funny. Other times, it is quite satisfying. But, there are times when I am up multiple times at night with a hacking 3 year old and goopy nosed one year old, when I dream about that sip of champagne. It will be a long, savory sip, with feet up and followed by one lengthy enormous exhalation.

Of course, this delicious sip of the bubbly will be followed by girl scout cookie fiascos and lost ballet shoes, I know, I know. But, for the moment, I will linger in the fantasy.

Watcha' Say?

OK, I rated it. I kept score. I kept track. I calculated and tabulated. And here are the results. My top 12 utterances in any given week in 1998 (pre kids) versus 2008 (post kids).

Top 12 Utterances of 1998. Listed in order of regularity.

12. OK, Chum, lose my number or what?
11. Well, there were sufficient funds yesterday.
10. Can you believe she wore that?
9. Take a gander at the fox at 3:00.
8. Martini, no olive.
7. Sorry, Charlie. Washin’ the hair on Fridays these days.
6. Ah, can ya throw in a couple extra orders of fries with that?
5. 555-1212
4. Those thigh hi boots are smokin’. Gots to get me some.
3. (Weep, weep. Exhale, shaky inhalation) Do you think he’ll ever call?
2. Old maid? Old maid? Ya don’t think that will happen do you?

And, my #1 utterance in a given week(end) in 1998…

1. Whatsup, G?


Top 12 Utterances of 2008.

12. Out of the cat litter box already!
11. Watch it, young lady.
10. Don’t put that up your nose.
9. Get back here.
8. No cookies before dinner.
7. Santa’s watchin’
6. Eat your peas.
5. Gentle with Mr. Kitty
4. Uh-oh
3. SSSSHH!
2. No! No! No!

And, my #1 utterance in any given week in 2008….

1. Hmmm…Smells like poop….sniff. sniff.

Opposite Directions

I now have two children that can walk. Happened a couple months back. No more baby blob securely strapped to my hip, front or back. Now, there are two of them moving….mostly in opposite directions.

Hubby helps. “I got me a full visual on #2 and a partial on #1. Do you read me? Over and out.”

But, on the days I venture solo to a play date at the park or museum….Oh, my!

“Sit here! Your sister’s getting away.”

“Sit here. Come here. Not you. You! Sit. You. Stay. You coooooome HERE!”

“Gotcha, ya little bugger! Where’s your sister?”

“Which way did she go? Which way did she go?”

“Where’s my daughter? Not that one. The other one.”

“Here. Here. Here. ….Come baaaack here!”

“….And don’t eat that!”

I spin around so much, I wouldn’t be surprised if my body corkscrewed its way into the ground. I am sure I’d make a great permanent fixture in the park between the slides and swings, jaw dropped wide, eyes rolling, hands flailing, my Medusa locks on end. Hopefully, I would provide some solace to other mothers on their wild run through the park chasing a toddler or two. Perhaps a plaque at my feet… “Motherhood…She came undone.” ??

Bookworm Wednesday

“You can tell which girls lack mothers by the look of their hair…”
~The Secret Life of Bees

I gasped as I read this quote from The Secret Life of Bees, a novel about a motherless girl. I was horrified at the tremendous absence that would fill a motherless girl’s life. So many motherly details just gone. The thought sent me running to my daughters, interrupting their usual afternoon Play Doh tea party for a hug and kiss session.

And then I went to work. One at a time, I pinned my daughters down and began my obsessive grooming. French twists, braids, ponytails, buns, and fancy knots. Our mornings became filled with Goody clips, barrettes, stretched out hair bands, bobby pins, head bands, glittery, no slippy hair clippies…..My one year old is off the hook with a couple brush strokes and one simple clip....for now. Not so with the three year old.

“Ouch!”

“Quit pulling!”

“You’re hurting me!”

I growl under my breath and make a mental note to remind myself to assign my daughters the task of reading The Secret Life of Bees when they are teenagers. In the meantime, Mommy Hair Nazi cackles each morning over a bottle of detangler and a drawer full of hair doo-dads. Or is hair thingy the proper term?.

I Was Featured!

Mammatalk was featured here on Momtourage powered by iVillage. Apparently, this website supports the notion that every mom needs an entourage, a circle of friends to help her navigate mommyhood. I agree. An entourage....oops, I mean, Momtourage. Gotta get me one of them.

Thanks, Momtourage! I appreciate the recognition.

P.S. Do you really like me? ( Gulp)

Mommy Primping

(Yeah! Date night! In honor of such a rare occurence, I will re-post one of my very first Mammatalk posts, Mommy Primping.)

I remember when I was an unfettered maiden, free of children and matrimony, singing to my animal friends in the forest....I spent hours gazing at my loveliness in the mirror brushing my silken locks, applying lipstick and primping for dates. I would try and re-try on my new outfits, many still with tags. Should I wear strappy sandals, boots or my mules? Should I carry a clutch, an over the shoulder purse, or oversized handbag? Skirt or little black number? Blouse or tank? Sinfully skin tight low rider jeans or capris? And if we were past magic date #3 ...ahem, I mean...date #10, thong or bikini? Perfume or all body splash? Should I wear the matching lotion? Should my hair be adorned with sparkly clips, captured by a tortoiseshell clip or worn free and loose, blown dried, moused, dyed and spritzed? Taupe eyeshadow or black eyeliner? Both? Oh, you nasty vixen. Lipgloss or lip liner? Matte lipstick? Should my nails be French tipped or natural? The pearls or gold chain? Oh, the choices. So many details and so much time to gloriously decide....

As for today? I still primp....

1. Hair in banana clip ( why did these ever go out of style?)
2. Stretch pants retrieved from dirty clothes hamper.
3. Clean shirt taken from bottom of clean clothes basket.
4. Shirt thrown in dryer for 2 minutes to get rid of wrinkles.
5. Sniff arm pits
6. Quick pit wash with wet wash cloth
7. Can't find deodorant
8. Use hubby's Speed Stick
9. Sniff nursing bra
10. Rate its stinkiness from 1-10
11. Baby crying.
12. Get baby wearing only bra and pants.
13. Nurse baby
14. Can't remember where shirt is.
15. Decide not to worry about it.
16. Not leaving house today anyway.

Ahh, the luxuries of a Stay at Home Queen

Daddatalk Revisited

Rewind to March 2007….

Mammatalk: Oh, hooooney! I can’t believe we are having another baby girl! What should we name this one? After your Grandma? Mine? What do you think about seashell pink with scalloped border for the nursery and pink toile for the bedding? Let’s go antiquing and find a lovely old fashioned dresser to re-finish. Maybe paint it white? What about a baby shower? Do you have a shower for the second baby? They will be born in opposite seasons…Should I register? I want to breastfeed so I will need a new breastpump , a sling and some sort of booby cover up. How about a Hooter Hider? They have great funky fabric…Should we get a new baby stroller or stick with the old one? I’ll do a quick websearch for recalls….

Daddatalk…Ahh….Yeah.

Fast forward to…August 2007

Daddatalk: And they painted her belly with this orange antiseptic. It was huge just sticking through a hole in her sheets, all big and round and painted orange….kinda like a pumpkin. The anesthesiologist gave me a stool to sit on, but I kicked it away and said “Oh, no bud, I am watching this.” I looked over the barrier the whole time. They cauterized her incision and you could smell the burning flesh. They used this tool to spread open the incision wiiiiide….and then out came this baby head! Kinda like Alien, but no…not really…Huh-huh-huh-.Afterward, they actually took out her uterus and put it on her belly and examined it with this magnifying glass…..

Mammatalk:.. Ahhh…..yeah.

This just may be the glue that keeps us together. We each know when to smile and nod.

Bookworm Wednesday

“Isolate a honeybee from her sisters and she will soon die.”
~The Secret Life of Bees

I feel very buzzy today. I’ve buzzed along from blog to blog paying each of my SITStas a visit. I’ve always considered these visits light, fun, breezy trips around the blogosphere. A laugh here, a chuckle there, a weepy eye or two, advice gathered, giveaways entered…Fun, fun. However, perhaps there’s more to these visits than I thought? Modern living can be isolating especially for the stay at home mom with young children. Most past civilizations were far less isolating, a grandma or auntie just a cave or mud hut away. Are we lady bloggers responding to a deep, instinctual need to congregate in numbers? Is there a need to buzz around the bloggy bee hive in search of a little female company? BZZZZ!

“You have to find a mother inside yourself. We all do. Even if we already have a mother, we still have to find this part of ourselves inside.”
~ The Secret Life of Bees

Great advice. Most women need to learn to mother themselves. So, go out there and be good to yourself, my fellow bees! And, then, go ahead, spread the bloggy love to your sisters….comment here, follow there, and click on an ad or two on your way out!

Merry Grinchmas

(This post is dedicated to The Secret is in the Sauce on today, their First Annual Merry SITSmas blogathon! Grand prize is a $200 Target gift card and the chance to be Friday’s Featured Blogger.)


“Where are the stockings? The STOCKINGS!!!!”

My three year ran wildly among our Christmas paraphernalia, tossing aside old holiday cards, dusty garland and jingly bells.

“Christmas ‘posey gots to have stockings!!” Lower lip quivered, breathing accelerated and watery eyes fixed in my direction.

I had been informed. Educated. Enlightened I was. By a three year old.

“Perhaps this will stop Christmas from coming?” I pondered silently.

Witnessing this lost stocking preschool panic attack made me re-think my typical commercial Christmas cheer. Forget jolly ol’ Saint Nick. I’d prefer a visit from that green little Christmas bandit, Dr. Seuss’ Grinch. I would even help out. Set the alarm for midnight. Wait for him with a plate of cookies. Enlist a hand from hubby.

I would stuff all the baubles, gifts and packages in his enormous bag. I’d gleefully hand over the holiday DVDs and CDs. Surrender the glittery decorations and lights. Hand him the oversized Costco eggnog jug. Present my endless Christmas card list, my fruitcake recipe, my Secret Santa organizational binder, my supersize rolls of wrapping paper, the LED blinking holiday wreath, and yes, even offer up my perky sprig of mistletoe.

Yes, readers, I would even assist as he shoved that tree up!!

I can hear the collective hisses and gasps echo across the blogosphere. Maybe I am the grinchy, witchy one here, green fur and all.

But, for just a moment, could you set traditions aside and join me in my Grinchy Christmas temper tantrum? Visualize a non-commercial Christmas? A Christmas highlighted with a circle of hand holding neighbors, singing songs of joy, delighted to receive nothing-ZIP-Nada-Zero on Christmas morn? A holiday filled with only expectations of a shared Christmas meal with loved ones, good will to men and peace on Earth?

Maybe the Whos were on to something?



PS. Santa, please disregard. It’s that monthly dragon thing again.

PPS. I know this does not qualify as a holiday card. For some real Holiday cheer, check out these crafty ladies…..Christie and Cherry.