Cupid's Job Interview

Interviewer: So, …ah…Mr. Cupid, is it? Can you tell me about your previous work experience?

Cupid: I worked in matchmaking.

Interviewer: Great industry. Can’t believe how it has grown. What site? Match.com? E-Harmony?

Cupid: All of the above… I’ve also worked in bars, book stores, college dorms, around office water coolers, and across many a crowded room.

Interviewer: Great, great…I like versatility in work experience. And what would you say are your strongest work skills?

Cupid: I excel at targeting my goal. I am a bit of a sharp shooter, really. I almost never miss my mark. Bull’s eye every time. Gimme a targeted goal. I’ll nail it.

Interviewer: Hmmm. Anything else?

Cupid: I have been known to contribute to a tranquil work environment. And, my interpersonal skills are excellent, of course.

Interviewer: What would you say are among your “need to improves”…

Cupid:(thoughtfully) Maternity leaves always seems to increase in my wake….

Interviewer: Oh….’Kay…..Next question….How would you handle a conflict with a co-worker?

Cupid: Bow and arrow. Works every time.

Interviewer (nervously): hehe….BOW and ARROW?!

Cupid: Softens the heart.

Interviewer: You do know we run a thorough criminal background check.

Cupid: (Nods)

Interviewer: And we enforce a strict dress code…

Cupid: Is nudity frowned upon?

Interviewer: We’re a strict shirt and tie company…

Cupid: I smell a discrimination suit…

Interviewer: Oh, no. We are an above board company, Mr. Cupid. We just have policy…….Hey…wait…What are you doing with that bow and arrow!!?

Cupid: Demonstrating another one of my strongest skills…I always know when my services are needed.

Interviewer: AHHH! Who sent you? My ex-wife? My ex-boss? My ex-mother-in-law??

Cupid: Your mother. Now, tell me before I nail my target…whatcha prefer? Blondes or brunettes?

Do You Have the Time?

Ring. Ring.

MOM: “Hello?”

ME: “Hi, Ma. I don’t any time, but I wanted to..”

MOM: “You don’t have time?”

ME: “No, but real quick…”

MOM: “Why would you call when you don’t have time?”

ME: “My point being, I don’t have much time. But, just wanted to tell ya…”

MOM: “Well, I don’t want to take up your time."

ME: “If I could just say..”

MOM: “I mean, you called me…this time.”

ME: “I wanted to just quickly say…”

MOM: “I’d hate to be accused of taking your time.”

ME: “…if I could just let ya know…”

MOM: “Well, why don’t you call me when you have the time?”

ME: “But…”

MOM: “Some mother-daughter time."

ME: “I didn’t say…But…just…wanted…”

Silence.

MOM: “Honey. So, why did you call again?”

ME: “Uhh….Ah….Well…Gimme a minute.”

Author’s note…Although exaggerated, this conversation actually took place between my mother and myself early in the week. Of course, we were both giggling through the entire conversation. My mom is one hysterical lady….. And what did I have to say? Thanks for asking. An article I wrote about colic is the featured article of the week over at Parenting Pink. :-)

Wanted Poster

Wanted Dead or Alive

MY FREE TIME

Aliases: Me time, leisure time, naptime, shower time, curled-up-with-a-book-time, down time, shopping time, occasional-spa-time, wasting time, killing time, vegging time

Last seen: Heading south of the border with partner in crime, “My Spare Cash”

Reward: Am short on cash (see above), but am willing to clean, vacuum or fold laundry for whomever apprehends suspect. After all, if caught I will have the time.

Wanted for: Cruel abandonment and petty theft (see above)

Description: Has that "just back from the islands" pre-kids glow, drink in hand, looking for the next party

Watch out ladies everywhere! You could be next. Crime usually occurs shortly after storky visit.
Not armed, not dangerous…but certainly wanted….NOW!

1,000 Dates

First Date vs. 1,000th Date

Hubby and I will have been together seven years this Spring. We calculated that we’ve had approximately 1,000 dates in those seven years, 99.99% of which were during those early pre-kids years. In honor of our upcoming seven year itch, I’d like to compare and contrast some snippets of some “dately” conversations.

First Date

Hubby: “Pardon me for staring. I am a bit, well, overcome.”

Me: “Tee-Hee.”

1000th Date

Hubby: “Pardon me for staring. Is that a Laker’s game on TV?”

Me: “Grrr.”

First Date

Hubby: “So, what is a typical day like in the life of a third grade teacher? Tell me ALL about it. I am all ears.”

Me: “Well, Brian was 20 minutes tardy today….again! So, blah, blah, blah, SPITWADS, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE ! blah ,blah, blah, blah, blah, LUNCH DETENTION! blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, CORRECTING SPELLING TESTS! blah, blah, blah, blah, BROKE MY CHALK, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, LUNCHROOM HELL blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ,BUDGET CUTS, blah, blah, blah, blah, PAPER CUT, blah, blah, blah…
And, that’s just before morning recess! After recess.….”

Hubby: “Fascinating. Tell me more.”

1000th Date

Hubby : “Hmmm?”

Me: “I said …I had to put her in time out twice…and then the baby ate some Play Doh…and…”

Hubby: “Oh. Is the remote over by you?”

First Date

Hubby: “Yes, I’d like a bottle of 1992 Lovey-Dovey-St. Châteaux-Bordeaux -Fancy -Wancy Expensive wine please…”

Me: (Blush) “Tee-Hee”

1000th Date

Hubby: “Hey, Baby, can ya get me a beer outta the ‘frig?”

Me: “Grrrr.”

First Date

Hubby: The ambiance here is incredible!

Me: Yes, that string quartet is breath taking!

1000th Date

Hubby: What did you say?!!!

Preschooler: I HAVE TO GO POTTY!

Toddler: AHHHHHH!

Barney: “Heads and shoulders knees and toes!”

Me: Not now. I am blogging.

First Date:

Hubby: Yes, that fork is for the fish. This one is for the salad and this one….

Me: *gush*

1000th Date:

Hubby: (In between finger licks and greasy mouth wipes) How ‘bout this bucket of chicken?

Me: Yum!

First Date:

Hubby: Yes, waiter, my date and I would like to start with the oysters…

Me: Yes, Yes!

1000th Date

Hubby: …and throw in a couple of Happy Meals…

Me: And the fries! The fries!!

First Date

Hubby: “I like you. I’d like to see you again.”

Me: “OK..” sigh... Eyelash flutter.

1000th Date

Hubby: “Baby, I really, really love you. I couldn’t ask for a better wife and mother for our kids.”

Me: “Tee-Hee…Purrrrrrr.”

The Vegetable Mafia

My preschooler would be delighted if all vegetables fell off the face of the planet. Sure, I can negotiate a few bites of peas and the occasional spoonful of green beans. But, more often than not, a serving of veggies on her plate leads to whole plate contamination. Evacuation of the macaroni and cheese and a possible triage of the French Fries is usually in order.

I often wonder what is behind her phobia? Think Frankenbean plagues her nightmares? Maybe Count Arugula lurks in her bedroom shadows. Is that a cabbagey cackle emerging from her closet?

Well, jokes aside, there just might be something to this fear. After all, across tables worldwide, children shiver at the sight of greens.

I have given this much thought. There must be some underground vegetable alliance. An unspoken veggie brotherhood. They huddle together in their stacks and piles in grocery stores weaving plans to wreak terror among our young. United they stand in their cause to end the buying and consuming of their veggie brothers and sisters.

Is this vegetable terrorism? The Green Mafia?

I thought I heard a “Badda Boom Badda Bing” as I passed the cucumbers while shopping.

….a low, sinister whisper from the carrots…”you’ll be swimming with the fishies…”

Something about “…carrying a piece…” as I strolled by the Kale.

The cracking of knuckles emanating from the Bok Choy.

And, hey, doesn’t that cabbage head resemble Al Pacino just a bit?

Well, this is one mother committed to fighting vegetable terrorism….one pea at a time.

EAT YOUR VEGGIES!

Yeah, and avoid the produce section after dark.

OK, OK. Maybe I’m the only one who really needs to avoid it.

Bookworm Wednesday

"There is nothing enlightened abut shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you…as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~Marianne Williamson “A Return to Love”

Wow. I always knew I needed to model self esteem to my daughters. How else can they become confident women without first seeing it reflected by the Queen Bee in their childhood home? But, I never considered my confidence could be contagious, spreading to other women.

Today, feel good about yourself, my bloggy friends, and know that you are doing a good deed. A good deed for yourself, your children and other women. Pass the flame, ladies. And, Blogosphere, hear us roar!

On that same uplifting note, I would like to introduce you to a wonderfully positive and informative new site dedicated to mothering girls. Started by a psychotherapist and mother of 3 girls, this site is the only one of it’s kind. Of course, I am tooting my horn a bit. I am a contributing author to the site. Ya might wanna take a little peek. :-) Click here, here or here to see what I have contributed. Yes, some of the articles apply to boys as well. I write about colic and academic issues. So, please read if you have sons!

ParentingPink (http://www.parentingpink.com/) - Come join the only "girl based" parenting site on the web dedicated to helping moms and dads raise strong, resilient girls. Offering free parenting advice, tips, forums, articles, contests, and lots of humor!

My Train of Thought

These days my phone conversations have been a bit hoppity hop lately, making them hard to follow. I somehow easily lose my train of thought….

“And then, she told me her husband is thinking of leaving…..Hmmmm. Sniff. Sniff…OK, who pooped?”

“And, the neighbors sold their house and moved back to Seattle only 6 months after… Could you GET a tissue!”

“So, how do you boot someone out of a playgroup?…Stop pushing that button!”

“Sometimes I miss making my own salary and I think…WHAT DID YOU SAY?!”

“I just don’t know what your mother was thinking when she…Nice girls share Legos!”

“You wouldn’t believe what my hubby …Gimme that marker!”

“Sarah’s cousin called her up and balled her out for…Eat that and your poopies will turn purple!”

“They’re practically giving stuff away! Hurry. Sale’s over at ….I CAN NOT HEAR MYSELF THINK IN THIS HOUSE!”

“I was just going over my statement and was wondering about this charge… Looks like a pee- pee dance to ME!”

“Isn’t it time for a Mommy’s Night Out? I thought we could check out that….Mommy’ll be there in a minuuuute!!”

Perhaps my train of thought will come back to get me someday…if only for a visit? Or has that train already permanently left that station? Or is this more like a train wreck? Some things just can not be undone.


Author’s note…OK, OK, I really used my imagination on this one. My phone conversations these days typically last 10 seconds… “Meet ya at the park at 10?” “OK, Bye” . And time for high schoolish gossip? HA! Not these idle hands….Ok, maybe later when they’re down for their naps.

Housewife Royalty

I have always thought blue blood coursed through my veins. I strongly suspected that a tiara rested on the regal heads of my female ancestors. I considered the possibility that my pedigree, somehow lost in the royal shuffle, had the noble family crest imprinted at the bottom….(in fine print)…for all to see…(provided they have a magnifying glass).

And, now I know it’s true.

When I enter a room, music plays.

“Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Streeeeet.”

All occupants of the room rise upon my arrival.

“Pick me up! Pick me up!! Mommmy! Mooooooommy!”

When there is a crisis, I am always the first to be beckoned.

“She BROKE my dolly!!! AHHHHH!”

I have a full wait staff.

“Ahh…So, yeah…hon, can ya pick up a pizza?”

My ladies in waiting circle when I call…

“Yeah! Ya better pick up those Cheerios, Missy!”

I live in a prestigious palace…

“I don’t know how we fit all these toys in this crackerjack box of a house !”

…surrounded by sprawling grounds.

“Babe, is that some sort of weed experiment gone wrong in the backyard?”

I gracefully rule while perched atop my throne.

“Close the door!! I am on the can!”

Of course, I always bow to the Queen Mum.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. Blog less. Cook more. Gotcha the first time, Ma!”

And, it is my sincere hope that I pass my tiara on to my little princesses…

“Harvard Law. Harvard Law. Harvard Law.”

Here’s to all the other royal mommies out there.

Fake kiss. Stiff wave. Curtsy. Fake kiss. Stiff wave. Curtsy.

The Laundry Fairy

A family of two becomes a family of four. Laundry doubles, right? Somehow, the math doesn’t work that way in our house. After the birth of two children, our laundry room exploded. Full hampers were multiplied by 10. Smelly socks reproduced like gerbils. And laundry baskets ceased to empty.

I sort and wash. I sort and fold. I sort and put away. I turn around to find myself knee deep in the Pacific Ocean of freshly soiled clothing. I am convinced an evil laundry fairy feathered her nest behind my dryer. She cackles with delight turning each lone stinky sock into three, filling laundry baskets to the rim, and spewing lipstick all over whites. With one wave of her wand, the tide of laundry rolls back into one mega tsunami of assorted soiled garments primed and ready to drown the lady of the house.

I know she’s there. She curls up with the dust bunnies in the dead of night, taking a joy ride in the dryer and washing up in the cat bowl in the morning. She giggles as she dozes, malice in her heart, dreaming up new ways to work me to death.

Not sure if she came with the house or if she followed me home from the maternity ward. How does one rid themselves of such a pest? Didn’t see any Fairy Lures or Tinkerbell traps for sale at Home Depot. Weren’t any poisoned apples in the produce aisle. No Fairy B Gone in the garden section.

Does one need to seek the assistance of some unsavory types for a solution? “I want her gone. And not in front of the children.”

Or do I seek the advice from a leaf reading character. “I see winged beasts plaguing your living space...I’ll give ya a two for one on a house cleanse.”

Maybe it’s time for a new pet. “So, ya got any big, ugly, mouse catching type kitties for sale?”

Hubby always offers to assist with the extra loads. “Thanks, hon, but I think I got it under control,” I lie. After all, one evil laundry fairy is about all I can take.

Hmmmmm…Think this what-cha-ma-call-it might fix her wagon?

Macaroni Madness

My preschooler is addicted to macaroni and cheese. She is a bit of a connoisseur, really. She can name that mac with just one bite.

“I see it’s Kraft again, Mommy,” she says with a pinch of mac and cheese snobbery.

She would be happy to eat macaroni three times a day.

Macaroni! Macaroni! Macaroni!

“Pickiness is typical at this age,” reassures my doctor.

However, her macaroni passion does concern me. Do you think this could lead to addiction?

“Been macaroni-free for 154 days, dude.”

Are there Macaroni 12 step programs?

“I have come to accept that I am powerless over Kraft.”

What about macaroni withdrawals?

“Just gimme some more mac, man! Just a little more….”

And doesn’t addiction sometimes lead to crime?

“Attention, shoppers! The Mac Bandit was last seen in Aisle 8. Keep your valuables…Um…I mean, your macaroni on your person at all times!”

You don’t think I need to worry about Black Market Macaroni?

“Could I score some Mac off ya, bro?”

What about Macaroni Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

Prep the Mac. Eat the Mac. Clean the Mac. Prep the Mac. Eat the Mac. Clean the Mac. Prep the Mac….

Can a macrobiotic, macaroni diet effect your health?

“Don’t know what it is, Doc. Her skin tone has been so…well, orange lately.”

And can someone overdose on macaroni and cheese?

“Send an ambulance! My daughter won’t stop eating the macaroni!!….Oh….and…um…Can ya stop by Safeway? We’re almost out.”

After all, I would prefer my mommy meltdown to be over something more pressing than macaroni.

“What finally pushed her over the edge?”

“It was …It was…mac and cheese!”

One can’t live on macaroni alone. That’s why I thank my lucky stars she at least eats the occasional grilled cheese. Gotta fill their diet with some variety, ya know.

PS. Don’t worry…She eats a spare veggie or two… Well….ah…...If I bribe her with some mac!