To Diaper a Beast

Now, I’ve seen a wiggly baby with a full diaper before. After two babies, I should be a pro at diapering a wiggly baby (ya think?). But, this one is different. There is almost a premeditation to her wiggles. (Ha, ha, let’s see how much I can frustrate my adults!)

Once the diaper is off, she twists that dirty bottom counterclockwise, while simultaneously turning her upper half clockwise, legs in a bicycle spin, back arched and hands thrashing wildly reaching for anything to smear, stain and otherwise ruin your day (or outfit). If you are lucky, you can manage to grab a foot and elevate her soiled lower half before it makes contact with A. your hand B. your hair C. your sleeve D. the carpet or E. whatever happens to be unlucky enough to be within a 12 inch radius at the time. Once the wipes are whipped out, the bicycle spin accelerates, the screaming escalates and the whole frenzy reaches a tipping point. The naked target is moving about wildly, making your aim a little off. If you’re lucky, you may land one or two good wipes to the bull’s eye. A good wipe to any part of the lower region counts for points, too. ( Bath maybe later?)

Now, for the re-diaper. At this point, the naked target has righted itself, much like a toppled turtle, and is rapidly heading for the nearest exit. You, being the fool that you are, chase your little target, diaper in hand, hoping for a tidy and quick resolution to the problem. Hopefully, by this time, the reinforcements have been called in and have circled around to head her off at the pass. Once trapped, the wild beast will not respond to reason (even with tasty bribes). Rather, the frenzy will escalate to such a point that one considers that perhaps it is easier to deal with a stained carpet for a couple years. However, with a good wrestling match, much sweating and physical exertion, two adults can diaper a 12 month old with minimal damage.

However, as the whole task repeats itself every 2-4 hours, a martini may be in order. Might I suggest a strong one?