Blueberry Bandit

My daughter is a blueberry bandit. True, she is passionate about most fruits.

But, blueberries?

Blueberries hold a special power over my little one. Yes, I am afraid blueberries have attained movie star status in our home.

A blueberry sighting is followed by screeching, shaking, and near hysterics.

“Booooberriesss!!”

I am afraid she is a bit of a blueberry groupie.

“I love boooberries.”

She’s proud President of the blueberry fan club, even.

“More booooberries?”

She’s quite possibly crossing the lines into blueberry stalking...

“Where’d the boooberry go?”

Some say she’s criminal in her passion.

“Sweetheart, let Mommy wipe that blueberry stain off your face.”

You don’t think this could lead to blueberry OCD, do you?

“Booberries.Booberries.Booberries.Booberries.Booberries.Booberries.”

Could this pave the way to addiction?

“Can I score some ‘boo off ya, bro?”

Hubs and I thought about going cold turkey. Pull the blueberry plug. Cut off the supply. Bite the blueberry bullet and stop the blueberry madness once and for all.

Lasted a day.

“Staaawberries?”

The Vegetable Mafia

My preschooler would be delighted if all vegetables fell off the face of the planet. Sure, I can negotiate a few bites of peas and the occasional spoonful of green beans. But, more often than not, a serving of veggies on her plate leads to whole plate contamination. Evacuation of the macaroni and cheese and a possible triage of the French Fries is usually in order.

I often wonder what is behind her phobia? Think Frankenbean plagues her nightmares? Maybe Count Arugula lurks in her bedroom shadows. Is that a cabbagey cackle emerging from her closet?

Well, jokes aside, there just might be something to this fear. After all, across tables worldwide, children shiver at the sight of greens.

I have given this much thought. There must be some underground vegetable alliance. An unspoken veggie brotherhood. They huddle together in their stacks and piles in grocery stores weaving plans to wreak terror among our young. United they stand in their cause to end the buying and consuming of their veggie brothers and sisters.

Is this vegetable terrorism? The Green Mafia?

I thought I heard a “Badda Boom Badda Bing” as I passed the cucumbers while shopping.

….a low, sinister whisper from the carrots…”you’ll be swimming with the fishies…”

Something about “…carrying a piece…” as I strolled by the Kale.

The cracking of knuckles emanating from the Bok Choy.

And, hey, doesn’t that cabbage head resemble Al Pacino just a bit?

Well, this is one mother committed to fighting vegetable terrorism….one pea at a time.

EAT YOUR VEGGIES!

Yeah, and avoid the produce section after dark.

OK, OK. Maybe I’m the only one who really needs to avoid it.

Macaroni Madness

My preschooler is addicted to macaroni and cheese. She is a bit of a connoisseur, really. She can name that mac with just one bite.

“I see it’s Kraft again, Mommy,” she says with a pinch of mac and cheese snobbery.

She would be happy to eat macaroni three times a day.

Macaroni! Macaroni! Macaroni!

“Pickiness is typical at this age,” reassures my doctor.

However, her macaroni passion does concern me. Do you think this could lead to addiction?

“Been macaroni-free for 154 days, dude.”

Are there Macaroni 12 step programs?

“I have come to accept that I am powerless over Kraft.”

What about macaroni withdrawals?

“Just gimme some more mac, man! Just a little more….”

And doesn’t addiction sometimes lead to crime?

“Attention, shoppers! The Mac Bandit was last seen in Aisle 8. Keep your valuables…Um…I mean, your macaroni on your person at all times!”

You don’t think I need to worry about Black Market Macaroni?

“Could I score some Mac off ya, bro?”

What about Macaroni Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

Prep the Mac. Eat the Mac. Clean the Mac. Prep the Mac. Eat the Mac. Clean the Mac. Prep the Mac….

Can a macrobiotic, macaroni diet effect your health?

“Don’t know what it is, Doc. Her skin tone has been so…well, orange lately.”

And can someone overdose on macaroni and cheese?

“Send an ambulance! My daughter won’t stop eating the macaroni!!….Oh….and…um…Can ya stop by Safeway? We’re almost out.”

After all, I would prefer my mommy meltdown to be over something more pressing than macaroni.

“What finally pushed her over the edge?”

“It was …It was…mac and cheese!”

One can’t live on macaroni alone. That’s why I thank my lucky stars she at least eats the occasional grilled cheese. Gotta fill their diet with some variety, ya know.

PS. Don’t worry…She eats a spare veggie or two… Well….ah…...If I bribe her with some mac!