Re-run

Due to the current writer’s strike here on Mamma Talk, we will be airing a previously viewed blog post. Yes, this is a re-run. Once contract negotiations are reached, we will resume with our regular blogging.

Mammatalk: Yeah, if you think I deserve a raise, comment below! I’m on strike, baby…..

Macaroni Madness

My preschooler is addicted to macaroni and cheese. She is a bit of a connoisseur, really. She can name that mac with just one bite.

“I see it’s Kraft again, Mommy,” she says with a pinch of mac and cheese snobbery.

She would be happy to eat macaroni three times a day.

Macaroni! Macaroni! Macaroni!

“Pickiness is typical at this age,” reassures my doctor.

However, her macaroni passion does concern me. Do you think this could lead to addiction?

“Been macaroni-free for 154 days, dude.”

Are there Macaroni 12 step programs?

“I have come to accept that I am powerless over Kraft.”

What about macaroni withdrawals?

“Just gimme some more mac, man! Just a little more….”

And doesn’t addiction sometimes lead to crime?

“Attention, shoppers! The Mac Bandit was last seen in Aisle 8. Keep your valuables…Um…I mean, your macaroni on your person at all times!”

You don’t think I need to worry about Black Market Macaroni?

“Could I score some Mac off ya, bro?”

What about Macaroni Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

Prep the Mac. Eat the Mac. Clean the Mac. Prep the Mac. Eat the Mac. Clean the Mac. Prep the Mac….

Can a macrobiotic, macaroni diet effect your health?

“Don’t know what it is, Doc. Her skin tone has been so…well, orange lately.”

And can someone overdose on macaroni and cheese?

“Send an ambulance! My daughter won’t stop eating the macaroni!!….Oh….and…um…Can ya stop by Safeway? We’re almost out.”

After all, I would prefer my mommy meltdown to be over something more pressing than macaroni.

“What finally pushed her over the edge?”

“It was …It was…mac and cheese!”

One can’t live on macaroni alone. That’s why I thank my lucky stars she at least eats the occasional grilled cheese. Gotta fill their diet with some variety, ya know.

PS. Don’t worry…She eats a spare veggie or two… Well….ah…...If I bribe her with some mac!

Writer's Strike!!

…Beeeeeeeeeep!...... We interrupt this blog post for a Mamma Talk Newsflash!

Looks like it’s a writer’s strike over at the Mamma Talk Headquarters. Yesterday, Mamma Talk herself was seen storming out of Mamma Talk Studios during contract negotiations. Mamma Talk production immediately shut down.

“How much longer do you people expect me to blog without pay?” she hissed at reporters as she stormed to her minivan, kids in tow.

Now, the world waits with baited breath. Will sweeps week be effected? The ripple effect is far reaching. Readers everywhere are afraid other mommy bloggers may follow her lead. Could this halt production on other bloggy sets? The word on the street is the Mommy Bloggers may unionize. How will this hit readers in the pocket book?

Let’s cut to this news clip…

Reporter: Mamma! Are you throwing in the towel for good this time?

Mamma Talk: (head out minivan window): Long hours, NO pay, NO benefits! I am SICK of this Bloggy thing! I hear Ann over at Ann's Rants gets paid twice what I do!

Reporter: Twice? Well, doesn’t 2x0 still equal zero?

Mamma Talk: Exactly

Reporter: And, rumor has it, you feel Anna Lefler from Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder is getting more publicity?

Mamma Talk: Yeah! I was supposed to be the lead in this gig and that one keeps stealing my readers!.....Oh, and step aside, you’re in my light!

Reporter: Do you think your bad girl behavior has ruffled feathers over at Mamma talk Studios?

Mamma Talk: WHAT? That incident between Nikki Crumpet and myself was alleged, exaggerated and taken out of context. Besides, she was standing in my light!

Reporter: So, what’s next for the Mamma?

Mamma Talk: I’m going solo!

Reporter: Solo? Well, you heard it here first. Back to you in the studio, Bob.

That’s right, readers. We are the first to break the big news. Mamma is looking to go solo. If negotiations are not reached soon….

Lighting Guy off Camera: Isn’t she already solo?

…Um…If negotiations are not reached soon, the Mamma will begin a solo career…which means….Well, …ah….um….when we figure that one out we’ll let ya know. Remember, you heard it here on Mamma Talk News FIRST!

And, now back to your regularly scheduled blog post.

….and, then I made some more macaroni for my preschooler and…blah, blah, blah…Poopy diapers…blah, blah, blah…Froupy frit frat!

Bloggy Shin Splints

Yesterday, I completed my first ever 100 Blog Dash, in honor of my 100th post. What a Blog Jog it was! I visited and commented on well over 100 blogs on my wild ride through the blogosphere. I made some new bloggy friends and revisted some old ones. My memory became a little fuzzy after blog number 80, but evidenced by photos, I had an amazing time. I received nothing less than a warm and fuzzy welcome at every blog. Everyone ignored my hot and sweaty self, offering beverages and snacks along the way. (Well the key was under the mat. It was left there for me right?) My travels brought me all over the world and back. And boy did I learn that this blogosphere of ours is a warm and cuddly place. Some ladies really put out the welcome mat, blogging about little old me and my wild run.

I must have a crossed paths with Wenda half a dozen times. What a trooper! (See the sidebar button for info "Where in the World is Wenda - A Bloggy Game) Heck we even did the buddy system for a couple of blocks. She had some trouble keeping up and had to slow down her pace. But what a trooper.

I had some much fun, I definetely want to do it again. And next time I would like a little company. Okay we don't have to do 100 posts next time, but what a fun day. Run Forrest run!

Please check below Mr. Linky for some updates about yesterday. There are many shout outs.

100th Post!

Blog Jog

Today, in celebration of my 100th post, I plan to do a 100-Blog-Dash, visiting 100 blogs in a single day. Want a little visit from the Mamma? I’m easy. Post a link below. I promise I won’t overstay my welcome.

I’m ready. I’ve stretched my calves. I’ve flexed my index finger. I put on my sweats. I did a quick warm up lap around the living room and I bench pressed my toddler.

Oh, and come back to look for updates through out the day!

OK.'Nuff talking.I’m ready to jog.

Runners…on your marks…





Update...

Well, the Mamma started at 7:00 AM. She was quick to start and immediatly got a runner's cramp. Thanks to some bloggy help from Lynn (#7) over at Safebeauty for her words of encouragement ("take a breather!") and The Rambler (#13)for giving The Mamma a quick beverage (nothing like a little vodka in the AM) and Vickie (#30)for her words of encouragement ( Go, Girlfriend!) and Zeemaid's (#6) offers of chocolate.....The Mamma is still hanging in there! Yes, the jog is still on ! No, you haven't missed anything! Some confusion over time zones, but the Mamma is sweating like a furry beast and is on her way to YOUR blog!!!

More updates to come...

UPDATE: The Mamma has reached her mid way point at 11:00 AM. So far, everyone who linked up to Mr. Linky has been visited. Now, off to comments....

The Mamma is currently exhausted, but is still going strong. She's been all around the world including Australia (Natalie #4), France (Dadene #24) and England (Rachel #15). I think it was England. Rachel correct the Mamma if she is wrong. Of course, she could't resist visiting the Rambler in Hawaii (#13). Phew!

And, look at these younger bloggers go! Patrice (#14) is a college student! And, Victoria (#43) is only 17 and blogs about her experience with Lyme Disease! Hats off to these young women. Yeah, and thanks for letting the Mamma hang out in your dorm. Lord knows the muddy double stroller must have been embarrassing!

More updates to come...

UPDATE: It's 2:00 PM. And it's official... the Mamma is lost. She was last seen somewhere around the Blogarina's Blog (#61), but hasn't been seen since. A few Bloggers commented on her foggy stare and lack of TyppIng Skilllss. "She seemed a little lost," said one blogger who wishes to remain anonymous. "Yeah, and she visited my blog twice," said Gwyn from Mommy's Daily Vent (#59). "And she kept muttering something about losing 4 followers in 20 minutes," said A Nut in a Nutshell (#57). Luckily, the Nut told the Mamma that everyone is losing followers today....some technical blip that the Mamma didn't really get. "She gave me a high five and said third grade teachers rock," said Bethany ( #19) So, if you've seen the Mamma please comment below. Whose turn was it to watch her last anyway??

Blog Jog

What: A Blog Jog - Mammatalk’s attempt to visit 100 blogs in a single day. A 100-blog-dash-sorta-thing

Who: Mammatalk

Why: In celebration of Mammatalk’s 100th post

When: Monday, February 23, 2009- ALL DAY!

How: Clickety-Click

Where: From my laptop to yours.

It took writing 100 Mammatalk’s posts to finally push her over the edge, but the Mamma has finally lost it! Mammatalk has challenged herself to visit 100 blogs in 24 hours. 100 visits! 100 blogs! 100 sips of coffee! What’s next? Be sure to visit on Monday, February 23. Mr. Linky will be working the room serving drinks and snacks. Don’t miss.

And, maybe, Mammatalk will resume writing in 1st person once the festivities are over. Or, maybe not.

Worm Hole in Space

I have a secret….. I am afraid of my purse.

No, it’s not the stale Cheerios scattered at the bottom that gives me the creeps. Not the lost, dirty Kleenex that puts my hair on ends. And, it is not the gum clinging to the side that gives me the willies either.

It’s the secret pocket.

When I purchased this bag there were no warnings about a secret pocket. No tags advising to purchase at your own risk. No buyer beware. Nothing.

Truthfully, I had no idea that a secret pocket existed until …well, things began to happen.

It started with some spare change at Starbucks. “Oh, thanks! I’ve been looking for the Nebraska quarter!” I naively chirped, tossing the coins into the “to be filed later” section of my purse. (Yes, that means they would be rubbing elbows with the “to be filed later” crumbling Cheerios partying in the deepest crevices of my purse.)

For days, I heard the coins jingle in my purse.

“Gotta file those..”

Then, one afternoon, I dumped my purse out…well, OK, my toddler dumped my purse out…… in the middle of the grocery cart, but that’s another story. The coins were gone. Missing. MIA. They had simply vanished. After a panicked swipe of my toddler’s mouth, I dismissed the odd occurrence. I filed it under “weird” …oh, and embarrassing…. and continued about my day.

Then, we had the lipstick incident. Things took a turn for the worse.

It was a certain lipstick that played a “now you see me, now you don’t” game with me in my purse for the better part of the week. Ordinarily, I would have just shrugged off the mystery and run to the local Walgreen’s for another quick purchase at the Wet and Wild display counter, but, Heck, budget’s tight these days! Gotta stretch that $1.99 as far as we can go…

So, here we go …another dumping of the purse. After shooing away a furry, 8 legged friend…or two…that had apparently taken up residence ….and averting my eyes from the gelatinous, gummy, quivering mass that seemed to be mating with my day planner, I came to the quick conclusion that this lipstick was NOT there!

My temper began to boil just beneath my “I’m-a-nice-person-who-once-worked-with-disadvantaged-youths” façade.

“Where is that freaking froupin' nickel knuckle knickerbukker….” I searched my imagination for the most colorful swear words in my (limited and shrinking, thank you) vocabulary.

After a good working over, I tossed the purse to the floor. There was a clunk sound as it hit the ground. A clunk sound that shouldn’t be heard when yarn macramé hits linoleum. Grabbing the bag by her (I hope it was a her) innards, I turned the whole kit and caboodle inside out to discover a hole in the stained, satiny inner lining.

A hole, as in a black hole, a time warp, a worm hole in space? Perhaps?

Peering through this hole, I found my lipstick! She was floating in a sea of Cheerios, between the macramé and satin lining, clinging desperately to a Nebraska quarter.

I was so happy to see her that I immediately swept her in my arms and kissed her. I applied her to my dry, colorless lips and promised to be a better Wet and Wild lipstick owner.

A hole in the lining! HA! Explains everything. Now, if someone could just explain the ransom note pinned to my lipstick’s chest, we’ll have a mystery solved.

Purse mafia, ya think?

If Babies Were DVD Players...

How handy would that be?

Vaccinations?

“Just a second, Doc.”

PAUSE

Poopy diaper?

STOP

Cute baby giggle?

REWIND

Colic?

FAST FORWARD

Endless screaming session?

MUTE

Teething?

SKIP

First word?

Hit PLAY Hit PLAY Hit PLAY!

Planning for another baby?

PREVIEW

Temper tantrum?

EJECT

Another temper tantrum?

Change Disc

Did I date myself by using the word “Rewind”?

Giveaways!

Abritandabit is giving away a $250 Target gift certificate in honor of her 100th post. In order to enter the giveaway, I need to post links to my Top 5 posts. Hmmmm...

Sex Nazi

Whatcha Say?

Snacks Happen

Toddler Pox

Macaroni Madness

I hope these will do. I tried to include some older ones that I wrote before I had many followers.

Another Giveaway... Tara over at Kidz is giving away a $200 Target gift card. If you haven't been over to Tara's, you simply must pay her a visit. Her story is heart warming.

Ta-Ta for now! :-)

Cupid's Job Interview

Interviewer: So, …ah…Mr. Cupid, is it? Can you tell me about your previous work experience?

Cupid: I worked in matchmaking.

Interviewer: Great industry. Can’t believe how it has grown. What site? Match.com? E-Harmony?

Cupid: All of the above… I’ve also worked in bars, book stores, college dorms, around office water coolers, and across many a crowded room.

Interviewer: Great, great…I like versatility in work experience. And what would you say are your strongest work skills?

Cupid: I excel at targeting my goal. I am a bit of a sharp shooter, really. I almost never miss my mark. Bull’s eye every time. Gimme a targeted goal. I’ll nail it.

Interviewer: Hmmm. Anything else?

Cupid: I have been known to contribute to a tranquil work environment. And, my interpersonal skills are excellent, of course.

Interviewer: What would you say are among your “need to improves”…

Cupid:(thoughtfully) Maternity leaves always seems to increase in my wake….

Interviewer: Oh….’Kay…..Next question….How would you handle a conflict with a co-worker?

Cupid: Bow and arrow. Works every time.

Interviewer (nervously): hehe….BOW and ARROW?!

Cupid: Softens the heart.

Interviewer: You do know we run a thorough criminal background check.

Cupid: (Nods)

Interviewer: And we enforce a strict dress code…

Cupid: Is nudity frowned upon?

Interviewer: We’re a strict shirt and tie company…

Cupid: I smell a discrimination suit…

Interviewer: Oh, no. We are an above board company, Mr. Cupid. We just have policy…….Hey…wait…What are you doing with that bow and arrow!!?

Cupid: Demonstrating another one of my strongest skills…I always know when my services are needed.

Interviewer: AHHH! Who sent you? My ex-wife? My ex-boss? My ex-mother-in-law??

Cupid: Your mother. Now, tell me before I nail my target…whatcha prefer? Blondes or brunettes?

Do You Have the Time?

Ring. Ring.

MOM: “Hello?”

ME: “Hi, Ma. I don’t any time, but I wanted to..”

MOM: “You don’t have time?”

ME: “No, but real quick…”

MOM: “Why would you call when you don’t have time?”

ME: “My point being, I don’t have much time. But, just wanted to tell ya…”

MOM: “Well, I don’t want to take up your time."

ME: “If I could just say..”

MOM: “I mean, you called me…this time.”

ME: “I wanted to just quickly say…”

MOM: “I’d hate to be accused of taking your time.”

ME: “…if I could just let ya know…”

MOM: “Well, why don’t you call me when you have the time?”

ME: “But…”

MOM: “Some mother-daughter time."

ME: “I didn’t say…But…just…wanted…”

Silence.

MOM: “Honey. So, why did you call again?”

ME: “Uhh….Ah….Well…Gimme a minute.”

Author’s note…Although exaggerated, this conversation actually took place between my mother and myself early in the week. Of course, we were both giggling through the entire conversation. My mom is one hysterical lady….. And what did I have to say? Thanks for asking. An article I wrote about colic is the featured article of the week over at Parenting Pink. :-)

Wanted Poster

Wanted Dead or Alive

MY FREE TIME

Aliases: Me time, leisure time, naptime, shower time, curled-up-with-a-book-time, down time, shopping time, occasional-spa-time, wasting time, killing time, vegging time

Last seen: Heading south of the border with partner in crime, “My Spare Cash”

Reward: Am short on cash (see above), but am willing to clean, vacuum or fold laundry for whomever apprehends suspect. After all, if caught I will have the time.

Wanted for: Cruel abandonment and petty theft (see above)

Description: Has that "just back from the islands" pre-kids glow, drink in hand, looking for the next party

Watch out ladies everywhere! You could be next. Crime usually occurs shortly after storky visit.
Not armed, not dangerous…but certainly wanted….NOW!

1,000 Dates

First Date vs. 1,000th Date

Hubby and I will have been together seven years this Spring. We calculated that we’ve had approximately 1,000 dates in those seven years, 99.99% of which were during those early pre-kids years. In honor of our upcoming seven year itch, I’d like to compare and contrast some snippets of some “dately” conversations.

First Date

Hubby: “Pardon me for staring. I am a bit, well, overcome.”

Me: “Tee-Hee.”

1000th Date

Hubby: “Pardon me for staring. Is that a Laker’s game on TV?”

Me: “Grrr.”

First Date

Hubby: “So, what is a typical day like in the life of a third grade teacher? Tell me ALL about it. I am all ears.”

Me: “Well, Brian was 20 minutes tardy today….again! So, blah, blah, blah, SPITWADS, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE ! blah ,blah, blah, blah, blah, LUNCH DETENTION! blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, CORRECTING SPELLING TESTS! blah, blah, blah, blah, BROKE MY CHALK, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, LUNCHROOM HELL blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ,BUDGET CUTS, blah, blah, blah, blah, PAPER CUT, blah, blah, blah…
And, that’s just before morning recess! After recess.….”

Hubby: “Fascinating. Tell me more.”

1000th Date

Hubby : “Hmmm?”

Me: “I said …I had to put her in time out twice…and then the baby ate some Play Doh…and…”

Hubby: “Oh. Is the remote over by you?”

First Date

Hubby: “Yes, I’d like a bottle of 1992 Lovey-Dovey-St. Châteaux-Bordeaux -Fancy -Wancy Expensive wine please…”

Me: (Blush) “Tee-Hee”

1000th Date

Hubby: “Hey, Baby, can ya get me a beer outta the ‘frig?”

Me: “Grrrr.”

First Date

Hubby: The ambiance here is incredible!

Me: Yes, that string quartet is breath taking!

1000th Date

Hubby: What did you say?!!!

Preschooler: I HAVE TO GO POTTY!

Toddler: AHHHHHH!

Barney: “Heads and shoulders knees and toes!”

Me: Not now. I am blogging.

First Date:

Hubby: Yes, that fork is for the fish. This one is for the salad and this one….

Me: *gush*

1000th Date:

Hubby: (In between finger licks and greasy mouth wipes) How ‘bout this bucket of chicken?

Me: Yum!

First Date:

Hubby: Yes, waiter, my date and I would like to start with the oysters…

Me: Yes, Yes!

1000th Date

Hubby: …and throw in a couple of Happy Meals…

Me: And the fries! The fries!!

First Date

Hubby: “I like you. I’d like to see you again.”

Me: “OK..” sigh... Eyelash flutter.

1000th Date

Hubby: “Baby, I really, really love you. I couldn’t ask for a better wife and mother for our kids.”

Me: “Tee-Hee…Purrrrrrr.”

The Vegetable Mafia

My preschooler would be delighted if all vegetables fell off the face of the planet. Sure, I can negotiate a few bites of peas and the occasional spoonful of green beans. But, more often than not, a serving of veggies on her plate leads to whole plate contamination. Evacuation of the macaroni and cheese and a possible triage of the French Fries is usually in order.

I often wonder what is behind her phobia? Think Frankenbean plagues her nightmares? Maybe Count Arugula lurks in her bedroom shadows. Is that a cabbagey cackle emerging from her closet?

Well, jokes aside, there just might be something to this fear. After all, across tables worldwide, children shiver at the sight of greens.

I have given this much thought. There must be some underground vegetable alliance. An unspoken veggie brotherhood. They huddle together in their stacks and piles in grocery stores weaving plans to wreak terror among our young. United they stand in their cause to end the buying and consuming of their veggie brothers and sisters.

Is this vegetable terrorism? The Green Mafia?

I thought I heard a “Badda Boom Badda Bing” as I passed the cucumbers while shopping.

….a low, sinister whisper from the carrots…”you’ll be swimming with the fishies…”

Something about “…carrying a piece…” as I strolled by the Kale.

The cracking of knuckles emanating from the Bok Choy.

And, hey, doesn’t that cabbage head resemble Al Pacino just a bit?

Well, this is one mother committed to fighting vegetable terrorism….one pea at a time.

EAT YOUR VEGGIES!

Yeah, and avoid the produce section after dark.

OK, OK. Maybe I’m the only one who really needs to avoid it.

Bookworm Wednesday

"There is nothing enlightened abut shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you…as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
~Marianne Williamson “A Return to Love”

Wow. I always knew I needed to model self esteem to my daughters. How else can they become confident women without first seeing it reflected by the Queen Bee in their childhood home? But, I never considered my confidence could be contagious, spreading to other women.

Today, feel good about yourself, my bloggy friends, and know that you are doing a good deed. A good deed for yourself, your children and other women. Pass the flame, ladies. And, Blogosphere, hear us roar!

On that same uplifting note, I would like to introduce you to a wonderfully positive and informative new site dedicated to mothering girls. Started by a psychotherapist and mother of 3 girls, this site is the only one of it’s kind. Of course, I am tooting my horn a bit. I am a contributing author to the site. Ya might wanna take a little peek. :-) Click here, here or here to see what I have contributed. Yes, some of the articles apply to boys as well. I write about colic and academic issues. So, please read if you have sons!

ParentingPink (http://www.parentingpink.com/) - Come join the only "girl based" parenting site on the web dedicated to helping moms and dads raise strong, resilient girls. Offering free parenting advice, tips, forums, articles, contests, and lots of humor!

My Train of Thought

These days my phone conversations have been a bit hoppity hop lately, making them hard to follow. I somehow easily lose my train of thought….

“And then, she told me her husband is thinking of leaving…..Hmmmm. Sniff. Sniff…OK, who pooped?”

“And, the neighbors sold their house and moved back to Seattle only 6 months after… Could you GET a tissue!”

“So, how do you boot someone out of a playgroup?…Stop pushing that button!”

“Sometimes I miss making my own salary and I think…WHAT DID YOU SAY?!”

“I just don’t know what your mother was thinking when she…Nice girls share Legos!”

“You wouldn’t believe what my hubby …Gimme that marker!”

“Sarah’s cousin called her up and balled her out for…Eat that and your poopies will turn purple!”

“They’re practically giving stuff away! Hurry. Sale’s over at ….I CAN NOT HEAR MYSELF THINK IN THIS HOUSE!”

“I was just going over my statement and was wondering about this charge… Looks like a pee- pee dance to ME!”

“Isn’t it time for a Mommy’s Night Out? I thought we could check out that….Mommy’ll be there in a minuuuute!!”

Perhaps my train of thought will come back to get me someday…if only for a visit? Or has that train already permanently left that station? Or is this more like a train wreck? Some things just can not be undone.


Author’s note…OK, OK, I really used my imagination on this one. My phone conversations these days typically last 10 seconds… “Meet ya at the park at 10?” “OK, Bye” . And time for high schoolish gossip? HA! Not these idle hands….Ok, maybe later when they’re down for their naps.